Share Almost everyone knows Clement C. Moore’s poem, “A Visit from Saint Nicholas,” which is more commonly known as “The Night Before Christmas.” It’s the poem that immortalized these lines:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
But, hey, this was written in the 1800s and we’re now in the year 2010. The times have a changed. So it’s no wonder a few folks have tried to give Mr. Moore’s classic poem a modern makeover. Here are a few funny “Night Before Christmas” variations with some updated charm. I’ve found these versions online without any credit to the authors, so please contact me if you know who penned any of these poems.
A Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all ’round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that had sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to night-dress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod, toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by!
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!
——-
Twice the Night Before Christmas in the Casino
Twas the night before Christmas.
I hit the casino.
I went there to play,
More than just Keno.
The dealers were assigned to their tables with care.
Chatting with patrons who were gambling there.
I walked to the Slots and started to Play.
I had a feeling this would be my Day.
I put in my coins and gave the handle a yank.
As the coins started dropping I heard them go “Clank.”
The wheels started spinning, they whirled and they glowed.
Alas! I saw three 7′s, lined up in a row.
The lights started flashing, the bells all were ringing,
Out came the Jackpot with that old familiar jingling.
I reached down and scooped up all of my winnings.
I headed for the tables.. I couldn’t stop grinning.
A table was open so I sat for Blackjack,
Put down money for chips and purchased a stack.
The Dealer was smiling, I was having such fun.
Drew a Jack then an Ace, I had Twenty One!
Now off to Roulette but which numbers to choose?
The way things were going I just couldn’t lose.
I watched the ball spinning, it clicked and it Popped.
Right into my number, that little ball dropped.
“Thirty five to One”, the dealer pushed me my chips.
Then she said, “Thanks!” for the toke that I flipped.
Then out on the floor, I heard such a clatter.
I rushed to the Craps Table, to see what was the matter.
There was this Fat Guy so lively and quick,
I thought to myself, he looks like Saint Nick.
I watched the dice as they flew from his hand.
He made his point, ever time they’d land.
“Place the six and the eight and a dollar on YO!
“He blew on the dice before letting them go.
“To some these dice are more fun than toys.
I almost forgot, hard six for the boys!”
He handled the bones so smooth and so swift.
The timing was right, to ask for a gift.
“Oh Santa please share some of your lucky charm.”
He whispered to me, as he took my arm. “If you want to keep winning when rolling the dice,
Just listen to Santa and heed my advice.
“”I’ve learned from the Experts, Scoblete, Burton and Wong.
The secret of winning is PRACTICE hard and long.”
“You MUST use your head and this is no fable.
If your Luck starts to turn, You must leave the table”
In the Blink of an eye he was headed for the door.
I pleaded with Santa, “Please, Tell me more!”
He called back to me
as he flew out of sight.
“Every day will be Christmas.
If you learn to play the game right”
—————–
A NASCAR Night Before Christmas
Twas the Race before Christmas and all through the track
Each driver was ready to make his attack.
The tires had been stacked by the pit crew with care
With hopes none of them would run out of air.
The drivers were belted all snug in their seats
Where visions of checkered flags looked mighty sweet.
When out of the infield there rose such a clatter
The crowd sprang to their feet to see what was the matter.
What sight met their wondering eyes as they rose
Twas Rusty Wallace punching somebody’s nose.
With eyes like the eagles the spotters they came
And they turned on their headsets and called them by name
“On Spencer! On Petty! On Rudd and Jarrett!
“On Cope! On Speed! On Ward and Jeff Burton!
At the top of the curve ran ‘em into the wall!
Now gentlemen, start your engines all!”
More rapid than lightning the Iceman they flew
With a sack full of cash and the Winston Cup too.
And then in a twinkling there came to the front
The bright rainbow colors of Gordon’s DuPont.
Then Bobby Labonte flew by in a flash
While Martin had a breakdown and Spencer a crash.
Then all at once with a rush and a roar
There came a new car they had not seen before.
From bumper to bumper it was painted all red
North Pole Toy Co.was the sponsor they read.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
They all said at once, “Hey, this must be a trick!”
“A geezer like that shouldn’t be driving here!”
“And why does his pit crew all have pointed ears?”
The next scheduled pit stop went kinda slow
For the old fellow stopped at each pit in the row.
He spent no time at all, but left gas and oil
A new set of tires, new tools for their toil.
He asked no endorsement, demanded no fee
And left only coal for the black #3.
Childress got on the com and said “Hey, Intimidator …
Want to chew him up now, or save him for later?”
Dale spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
He gave him a nudge, then broadsided the jerk.
But the old guy escaped with a zig and a zag
And crossed over the finish line, right at the flag.
The old man drove straight up to victory lane
Grabbed up the trophy and drank some champagne.
Thanked all his sponsors and took the cash, too
Stole a kiss from Brooke Gordon, and then off he flew
As he sped out of sight, one last cry did they hear.
“Merry Christmas to all, better luck next year!”
Hope you have enjoyed these variations. If you’re feeling inspired, you might now want to try to Create Your Own Funny Night Before Christmas poem or read the politically correct Christmas poem.
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