Santa and snowmen and all the reindeer,
Peeked out from the cards, wishing me much good cheer.

But nothing seemed good enough, no sentiments were right.
So I decided to make my own Christmas cards that good night.
Then there on a shelf, there appeared the right thing -
A great software program to answer my dream.

I’d make my own cards and save money, too.
It’d be so easy, with not much to do.

But with a little manual so flimsy and thin,
I suddenly discovered the dilemma I was in.

Cheesy graphics, and a bad interface, too.
It took me forever to make one card, then two.

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a blinking toner light harking the worst that I feared.

No toner! No paper! No, I had run out!
No envelopes either! I wanted to shout.

So back to the lines! So back to the store!|
Now hurry, now hurry! You’ve got to make more!

And then in a twinkling, I suddenly knew
Why Santa has elves and I needed them, too.

Some people are crafty. And some need a store.
And I was the latter, not up to this chore.

I sprang to the store, to the boxed cards I did run,
and grabbed a few dozen , down to the last one.

And I joyfully exclaimed, as I checked out that dark night,
“Forget do-it-yourself, Hallmark is all right!

They are now trying to politically correct-up Christmas stories so that they don’t offend nobody and that everybody everywhere can enjoy them. So this is a story that was formerly known as “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.” but is now known as “‘Twas The Night Before a Non-Denominational Winter Holiday.”

‘Twas the night before a non-denominational winter holiday,
and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

He had a broad but normal face, and an advanced- sized belly, and he laughed: “Lady of Evening! Lady of the Evening! Lady of the Evening!”

Now can you believe that?!? What in the world? You can’t even say “Ho! Ho! Ho!” anymore?! What kind of commie crap is this? I don’t care who you are! His name is Santy Claus, and he cracks deer with a horsewhip, breaks into people’s houses, drinks rum and eggnog, and looks like Uncle Jessie from “The Dukes of Hazard” End of story!

You’ll find more funny night before Christmas parodies here.

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks, Santa” – what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ’cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days – they are all the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason -
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

A Microsoft Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem – pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get ‘em young, keep ‘em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

You might also want to check out the printable Create Your Own Funny Night Before Christmas page.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

But, hey, this was written in the 1800s and we’re now in the year 2010. The times have a changed. So it’s no wonder a few folks have tried to give Mr. Moore’s classic poem a modern makeover. Here are a few funny “Night Before Christmas” variations with some updated charm. I’ve found these versions online without any credit to the authors, so please contact me if you know who penned any of these poems.

A Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all ’round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that had sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS,
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to night-dress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod, toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by!

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!

——-

Twice the Night Before Christmas in the Casino

Twas the night before Christmas.
I hit the casino.
I went there to play,
More than just Keno.

The dealers were assigned to their tables with care.
Chatting with patrons who were gambling there.
I walked to the Slots and started to Play.
I had a feeling this would be my Day.

I put in my coins and gave the handle a yank.
As the coins started dropping I heard them go “Clank.”
The wheels started spinning, they whirled and they glowed.
Alas! I saw three 7′s, lined up in a row.

The lights started flashing, the bells all were ringing,
Out came the Jackpot with that old familiar jingling.
I reached down and scooped up all of my winnings.
I headed for the tables.. I couldn’t stop grinning.

A table was open so I sat for Blackjack,
Put down money for chips and purchased a stack.
The Dealer was smiling, I was having such fun.
Drew a Jack then an Ace, I had Twenty One!

Now off to Roulette but which numbers to choose?
The way things were going I just couldn’t lose.
I watched the ball spinning, it clicked and it Popped.
Right into my number, that little ball dropped.

“Thirty five to One”, the dealer pushed me my chips.
Then she said, “Thanks!” for the toke that I flipped.
Then out on the floor, I heard such a clatter.
I rushed to the Craps Table, to see what was the matter.

There was this Fat Guy so lively and quick,
I thought to myself, he looks like Saint Nick.
I watched the dice as they flew from his hand.
He made his point, ever time they’d land.

“Place the six and the eight and a dollar on YO!
“He blew on the dice before letting them go.
“To some these dice are more fun than toys.
I almost forgot, hard six for the boys!”

He handled the bones so smooth and so swift.
The timing was right, to ask for a gift.
“Oh Santa please share some of your lucky charm.”
He whispered to me, as he took my arm. “If you want to keep winning when rolling the dice,
Just listen to Santa and heed my advice.
“”I’ve learned from the Experts, Scoblete, Burton and Wong.
The secret of winning is PRACTICE hard and long.”

“You MUST use your head and this is no fable.
If your Luck starts to turn, You must leave the table”
In the Blink of an eye he was headed for the door.
I pleaded with Santa, “Please, Tell me more!”

He called back to me
as he flew out of sight.
“Every day will be Christmas.
If you learn to play the game right”

—————–

A NASCAR Night Before Christmas

Twas the Race before Christmas and all through the track
Each driver was ready to make his attack.
The tires had been stacked by the pit crew with care

With hopes none of them would run out of air.
The drivers were belted all snug in their seats

Where visions of checkered flags looked mighty sweet.

When out of the infield there rose such a clatter
The crowd sprang to their feet to see what was the matter.
What sight met their wondering eyes as they rose
Twas Rusty Wallace punching somebody’s nose.

With eyes like the eagles the spotters they came
And they turned on their headsets and called them by name
“On Spencer! On Petty! On Rudd and Jarrett!
“On Cope! On Speed! On Ward and Jeff Burton!
At the top of the curve ran ‘em into the wall!
Now gentlemen, start your engines all!”

More rapid than lightning the Iceman they flew
With a sack full of cash and the Winston Cup too.
And then in a twinkling there came to the front
The bright rainbow colors of Gordon’s DuPont.

Then Bobby Labonte flew by in a flash
While Martin had a breakdown and Spencer a crash.
Then all at once with a rush and a roar
There came a new car they had not seen before.

From bumper to bumper it was painted all red
North Pole Toy Co.was the sponsor they read.
With a little old driver so lively and quick
They all said at once, “Hey, this must be a trick!”

“A geezer like that shouldn’t be driving here!”
“And why does his pit crew all have pointed ears?”
The next scheduled pit stop went kinda slow
For the old fellow stopped at each pit in the row.

He spent no time at all, but left gas and oil
A new set of tires, new tools for their toil.
He asked no endorsement, demanded no fee
And left only coal for the black #3.

Childress got on the com and said “Hey, Intimidator …
Want to chew him up now, or save him for later?”
Dale spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
He gave him a nudge, then broadsided the jerk.

But the old guy escaped with a zig and a zag
And crossed over the finish line, right at the flag.
The old man drove straight up to victory lane
Grabbed up the trophy and drank some champagne.

Thanked all his sponsors and took the cash, too
Stole a kiss from Brooke Gordon, and then off he flew
As he sped out of sight, one last cry did they hear.
“Merry Christmas to all, better luck next year!”

Hope you have enjoyed these variations. If you’re feeling inspired, you might now want to try to Create Your Own Funny Night Before Christmas poem or read the politically correct Christmas poem.

Well, now you can play the game with a famous Christmas story! This printable funny Night Before Christmas story has blanks in some spaces. For some fun at your holiday gathering, tell everyone you’re going to play a game where they need to supply some words, but don’t tell them you’re “rewriting” The Night Before Christmas. Then jot down the words and read it back for some holiday fun!

Click here to download the Funny Night Before Christmas in MS Word or copy and paste the text below into your own word processor if you don’t have Microsoft Word.

Fill-in-the-Blank Funny Night Before Christmas Story
‘Twas the __________ (noun) before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a __________ (animal) was __________ (verb)ing, not even a mouse;
The __________ (plural noun) were hung by the __________ (location) with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The __________ (people or animals) were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of __________ (plural noun) danced in their heads;
And mamma in her __________ (piece of clothing), and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the __________ (piece of furniture) to see what was the matter.
Away to the __________ (place in house) I flew like a flash,
Tore open the ___________ (plural noun) and threw up the sash.

When, what to my wondering __________ (body part) should appear,
But a miniature __________ (noun), and eight tiny reindeer,
With a __________ (adjective) old driver, so __________ (adjective) and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; “Now, Dasher! now, Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the _________(location outside house) ! To the top of the wall!
Now _________ (verb)! _________(verb)! Dash away all!”

So up to the house-top the __________ (plural animal) they flew,
With the sleigh full of _________(plural noun), and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a __________(period of time), I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my ___________(body part), and was turning around,
Down the chimney _____________(famous person) came with a bound.
He was dressed all in ____________(type of clothing), from his head to his foot,
And his __________(clothes) were all tarnished with ___________(noun) and soot;
A bundle of __________(noun) he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a ___________ (type of person) just opening his pack.
His eyes — how they ___________(past tense verb)! his ___________(body part) how merry! His __________(plural body parts) were like roses, his __________(body part) like a cherry! His ____________(adjective) ____________(body part) was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his ___________(part of face) was as white as the snow;

He had a ________(adjective) ________(body part) and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was _________(adjective) and _________(adjective), a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A _________(type of gesture) of his _________ (body part) and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He _______(verb) not a ________(noun), but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his __________(body part) aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his ___________(vehicle), to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all ___________(verb) like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him ___________(verb), ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Though Dean Koontz is best known for his bestselling horror and suspense books, this Christmas tale is pure fun for both children and adults. It’s a ryhming, rollicking look at the awful night Santa was kidnapped by his twin brother, Bob Claus, and locked in “a dismal, deep, dark, dank hole” at the North Pole. The twin then proceeds to get into mischief, such as this:

“In the front room, at one of the trees
the bad twin of Santa is on his knees,
giggling as he stuffs another gift box
with a few pairs of smelly old socks.
He snorts and he chortles with evil glee
and mutters, ‘No one will know it was me.’”

But the evil twin’s plans are foiled – and Santa Claus is saved – by two sisters who survive a pie in the face, a ray gun that shoots snow and other challenges. The story is colorfully illustrated by Phil Parks.

And if you enjoy the story of Santa’s Twin, you can follow the adventures of Santa and Bob Claus in the sequel, Robot Santa.

a poem by Debora Dyess

As I watched the cartoon with the Grinch and Max
I felt every one of my muscles go lax.
Sitting on the couch on Christmas Eve
After I’d asked all our house guests to leave.

Drifting in and out of my dreams,
Thinking on Christmas hopes and schemes
I started as I heard a super loud boom
Come from the far end of the living room.

I stood and rubbed my eyes as the Grinch
And Max fell off a cliff, and I flinched.
I rounded the corner out of the den
And stopped there, astonished at what had come in.

An old man, red long-johns and black shiny boots,
A great big beer belly all covered in soot.
“Were you in my chimney?” I asked, eyebrows raised.
“Why yes, son, I was,” he replied, somewhat dazed.

“This house wasn’t even on my list.
What is your name? I guess that I missed
You and your missus as I started my rounds.
It’s a miracle that your trailer even was found.

“You can thank old Donder for that.
He’s a good tracker, though sometimes a brat.”
Then the old man commenced to open a sack
Sat himself down and pulled out his crap!

“You’re not living here!” I told the old feller.
“There’s room for you down at the shelter.
“I’ll drive you there myself, if you’d like.
It’s the least I can do on Christmas Eve night.”

The old man said, “Ho-ho! You don’t understand!”
But I cut him off as I took his hand.
“It’s alright; my pa’s got Alzheimer’s, too.
I know it’s tough, but we’ll get you through.”

I gathered his goodies and put them all in
To the sack as he picked it up once again.
He looked somewhat confused, I steered him to the door,
But he tried to go back to the chimney once more.

“My ride is up there,” he said with a nod.
I felt sorry for him, said, “You talking ‘bout God?”
I took him more firmly by his old, flabby arm,
Intending to keep this poor gent from harm.

“I must get back to my sleigh!” the stranger hollered.
He looked panicked, knowing he had been collared.
I guess that must be when both tempers rose,
Cause that old man punched me right in the nose!

I stumbled backwards, grabbing my face
And the old man ran to get out of my place.
I caught my toe on the edge of the couch,
Bumped my head on the floor and then I was out!

I awoke to find an empty, cold room
Where the fireplace was out. In dark midnight gloom
I looked for the old man; he wasn’t around.
But you won’t believe the thing that I found!

It was a note, tied to my tree,
Signed by Santa, addressed to me.
It said, “I’ve never done this before,
But you’re on the naughty list now – evermore!”

This isn’t good. This is so sad!
The Claus-man thinks I’m really bad!
Ah well, at least my nose didn’t break!
Chalk it all up to a Redneck mistake!

12 Pains of Christmas Lyrics
The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me

Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I’m tryin’ to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean “YOUR in-laws”?!?
Five months of bills!
Ach, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN’!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
“Batteries Not Included”
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She’s a witch…I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don’t even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who’s got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight…I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that’s such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
Batteries Not Included
No parking!
Waaah!
Charities!
Gotta make ‘em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I’m not sendin’ them this year, that’s it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU’RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

Funny 12 Days of Christmas – Indian Style

Funny 12 Days of Christmas – 12 Guido Days of Christmas

Funny 12 Days of Christmas – JibJab Farting Elves

Funny 12 Days of Christmas – 12 Days AFTER Christmas

12 Days After Christmas Lyrics
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the dancing ladies -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
“We are through, love!”
And I said in so many words
“Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!”